Fatigue...

So tired - need sleep...I have cotton-mouth and slight tummy queasy-ness. All within the range of "totally can handle and please let it not get any worse." Yesterday was the 8 week mark.

Crazy clint left a message on his parent's machine on Sunday that said something like this: Hey there just wanted to tell you the good news (he should have left it at that but NOOOOO) we are having another baby here in MI. Okay, bye! Slade was sitting next to him, laughing as if it was the funniest joke he was playing on them. He still thinks it's a big joke!

A 90's throwback...

Doesn't Crispin look like he stepped out of the "singles" movie? He wanted to wear Jack's Pa-Baa (sponge bob)boxers and so he wore them over his pants. He's even wearing a pair of Doc Martens!

Oh wait, He's complete now w/ a wife beater and tattoos.


Those are not PILLS in his hand! They are yogourt covered raisins.

A recipe worth trying...

Cassoulet –Style Chicken Thighs

2 15-ounce cans white beans, rinsed
¾ cup fresh whole-wheat breadcrumbs
2 Tablespoons extra-olive oil, divided
1 pound boneless, skinless chicken thighs, trimmed of fat and cut into thirds
1 large onion, chopped
6 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
½ teaspoon dried rosemary
½ teaspoon dried thyme
½ teaspoon freshly grounded pepper
½ cup dry white wine
½ cup reduced-sodium chicken broth
½ cup water
½ pound low-fat turkey kielbasa, sliced into ½ inch pieces
2 tablespoons finely chopped parsley


Put ½ cup beans in a small bowl and mash with a fork. Add the remaining beans and set aside.
Toss breadcrumbs with 1 tablespoon oil in a small bowl. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the breadcrumbs and cook, stirring often, until golden and crisp, 2 to 3 minutes. Transfer to a plate and set aside.
Heat the remaining 1 tablespoon oil in the skillet over medium heat. Add chicken in a single layer and cook until browned, turning once, 2 to 3 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate.
Add onion and garlic to the skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion is softened, about 5 minutes. Add rosemary, thyme and pepper and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add wine, increase heat to high and cook, stirring with a wooden spoon to scrape up any browned bits, until the wine has reduced by about half, 1 to 2 minutes. Add broth, water kielbasa, the reserved beans and chicken; bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer until the chicken is cooked through, 3 to 5 minutes. Top with toasted breadcrumbs and parsley. Makes 6 servings.

WHEW! Glad that has passed!

Okay, so yesterday was a bummer but today I feel like a million bucks! I'm pretty sure yesterday was so crappy from a lack of sleep. I got a good night's sleep last night and Crispin was an angel for me too.

Yesterday, I got the idea that I could go visit my mom and grandma w/out anyone...just me all alone for like 4 days. Leave Crispin here and if he's not weaned by then, then 4 days without me might get him weaned. On Tuesday, after Slade's concert I had to go clean, so I didn't get home till almost 10. Guess who fell asleep w/ out any problems...yup, that little one. So, I know he can do it. I know Clint can do it too. Clint said something about taking Crispin with me because my mom will want to see him. I'm like she's not grandmotherly so It's not like that - Heck she was never motherly to begin with. It would drive me nuts if she tried to make that up w/ outdoing herself as a grandmother. If the boys ever question this, I will just lay it down for them saying they are lucky that she is even in their life. Meaning, I had the worst childhood you could imagine and I have chosen to forgive and go forward and she has stepped up to the plate, by not denying or passing blame. That is a stronger message than if we all pretended everything was peachy. It's boring at her house and she knows it and is pretty much i am what i am - it is what it is. You gotta love that honesty.

So, anyway I called my mom this morning and told about my plan and she was so excited. Of course she asked if Crispin was coming and I told her no but maybe I could get him weaned by doing that. In all her honesty, she thought it was a good idea because she feels he's a bit of a chiple (spoiled) She is what she is.
She said she would pay for it or at least help as much as she could. I just need to find a good airfare or else I won't go. I won't pay a ridiculous amount because I know there are deals out there - it just takes time and planning. I would go in May or later. I would love to go in May, as it's my favorite month and my grandma's b-day. I can't miss Crispin's b-day though. So, I would take June just as well. I'm so excited! Clint will be done with school and have the time to be home to take care of the boys...should I leave the daycare open for him too? Nah!

mopey mope mope...

Today has been such a blah day for me. I am allowing myself to feel like crap. I know I get like this a few times a year, so I know it's not all weather related. I usually spring back just fine but need a day or two to just veg. I woke up at about 3:30 this morning and stayed awake till about 6:30-7. I was just thinking about our trip to visit family this summer would DEFINITELY NOT happen and it made me sad. As much as I try to think we could swing it, it's not possible.

Just a few weeks ago, I was under the "spell of visiting my family" I was excited to plan that in just a few more months we could be in the Sunny Southwest. I had it all planned out how it would be possible to come up w/ the funds and how we would do it as thrifty has possible. Still, after finding out we would be having another baby, I thought it was possible. It would be nice in a situation like this to not have to feel like we have to choose: Save for a bigger vehicle or visit family. Why the heck can't we do both, I go into my bratty whine complete w/ stomping my feet. Not to mention, paying our midwife a decent sum. Even though she has said beer and posole would do -you don't want to stiff your midwife for a vacation.

I know this is where we are now and I love the situation we are in. Clint is enjoying his school and all is good on the home front. I wouldn't change it for the world. I love how it's all worked out and I know everything from this moment on will work out just fine. I just need to vent and process in this moment and record it so I can look back at this and marvel at all that will transpire.

These are the FACTS...

Fact - you make a declaration and you may be likely to eat your words later. A few weeks ago I went to my moms’ group and made such declaration. If I remember correctly, my words went something like this: I am done having children. Crispin has made that clear for me. I probably went on to say how much he keeps us on our toes and because of that I wouldn’t have the energy for another one.

Lo and behold I was already 5 weeks along. After I made that comment, I knew I would be eating my words and I couldn’t get them back in my mouth fast enough. The next day – I KNEW something was up. It took me a week to finally take a test to confirm. It took me all weekend to finally muster up the courage to tell the other half. I was neither here nor there w/ the news. I wasn’t overly devastated nor was I overjoyed. It was a sucky space to be in. Yesterday, I presented the letter I had written a few moments after finding out to Clint. He took it better than I thought. Of course my letter did state that I wasn’t in the mood to hear every yucky notion that ran through his mind. He obliged much to his ability but asked if it was his because he couldn’t remember when it could have happened.

So here we are with another child on the way. It’s very much a circle for us – start out w/ an unplanned pregnancy and end with one – like bookends as Clint referred to it. I am feeling great and I know God isn’t into making deals but I did ask that since I was blindsided by this that He be merciful enough to let me slide by w/ minimal morning yuckies. We will see in another few weeks what is in store for me.

In the meantime, I have to think of a “foot in mouth” way to announce this to my group. (sheepish grin) I will be the laughing stalk, no doubt! Well, I should have known – half the group is pregnant and it must be in the water!

I will not have to worry about finding a midwife as mid-life midwife has stepped up to being my midwife as I have stepped up to being her first client. And that’s a fact!

I’m praying for a smooth uncomplicated pregnancy and much abundance in the support we will want from people. Support in the sense that we will not be made to feel like we are the stupidest people in the world for doing this. I called my mom the moment I found out and if she reacted badly, then I knew others would too. She laughed and said, “well, you always wanted a big family.” She prayed over the situation and put me at ease. I also had to call the Pastor’s wife, as we know they have gone through this themselves and she too was gracious and poured her love and support over us in this situation. I’m feeling better and getting excited about this. I am waiting a few more weeks before telling the boys. I don’t know how they will react, but if a hypothetical question that was presented to the oldest a few months ago gives any indication, then I will have to go about this as gingerly as possible.

Okay, enough babbling for now. Gotta go!

Meals and Deals

So last week we had three days of trying out new dinners.

Monday night we had Asian “Salisbury” Steak from the eating well magazine. I have to say, I enjoyed it over jasmine rice and would have it again. Next time around, I think I need something else to go with it like a yummy bowl of soup or something. Clint liked it too and said he would make it again and it wasn’t a big deal to make either. The boys liked it alright but weren’t over the moon with it.

Tuesday night we had Flemish Beef Stew from eating well magazine. It was “okay” for me. I think our slow cooker cooked it a little too much and I was tempted to throw some water in there. I ate mine over egg noodles. Clint enjoyed it very much and would make it again. I might turn off the crock pot an hour earlier next time. The boys ate it but didn’t say they LOVED it…figures those finicky eaters!

Wednesday night we made Leaner’s Balti Chicken Vindaloo. I was in the mood for something saucy and this isn’t but Clint cooked it for me and I ate it all up. Clint put in more spice, so he enjoyed the kick to it. We doubled the recipe and it was WAY too much. Jack wouldn’t touch it w/ a ten foot pole (because of the spice)and Slade was polite about eating it.

This week for meals, we are back to our normal normals like carnitas, chile colorado, chicken parmesan and hamburgers – bought some yummy pickles for frying (even tho everyone thinks that doesn’t sound good at all.). Oh, we will be trying a recipe called “Cassoulet-style Chicken Thighs.” It’s from the eating well magazine. Mandy tried it and said it was pretty darn good. It looks easy enough and there’s something about dark meat that gets me excited!

That yucky thing called R S Virus is going around and one of the little girls that I watch was exposed to it and came down w/ a fever and ear infections on Friday. The last time I had her was on Wednesday. Clint said yesterday while I was gone, Crispin had a temp of 99 but nothing more ever came of it.

Man, being a licensed daycare provider here at family housing has its perks but also has some slight disadvantages. They are asking that I become accredited through the National Association for Family Child Care. I wish this is something I would like to do for the rest of my life because there is so much that needs to be done to become accredited. I have a year to 18 months to get prepared and then I will have an observation visit. I wish I didn’t have to even go this route but if Clint gets into a PHD program here then I am sure I will still be doing daycare till he’s done. They really want everyone accredited soon and they are paying for everything. I will be doing a ton of training but there are perks to getting so many hours done. By summer I will have 22 hours and when I complete 30 hours, I will be given $200 then another $200 after 60 and then another after 90. When I am officially accredited, I will be given $600. My self-study packet should be arriving soon and it’s supposed to be my “bible” till I become accredited. Give me strength!

A beautiful day!

It felt like an early spring day today. I had S here for a few hours and we all went out to play in the sun. It was perfect and now we are under a storm watch...

I don't even want to check weather.com to see how much snow is expected and how long it will last. Are we still in January? What a naughty trick to play on us.

20 month old and Project WAIT

Guess who has a twenty month old today? I do, I do! I can’t believe it! In 4 more months he’ll be two! TWO! Time sure has flown by! He’s so precious. Cute as can be and pure joy to have around. A few weeks ago, Jack had his BF that moved away for a year come and stay the night. They built a fort in his room and decided to make Creaky the king. So for 2 hours Creaky played along side them and they responded to his every whim.
It was so sweet to hear them involve Creaky in their play. He’s one lucky kid to have brothers that enjoy him like that. (That is probably why it hasn’t taken a toll on me this marathon nursing– because when the boys get home I turn to chopped liver.)
For the daycare, I bought a plastic kitchen set from a friend and ask me how many times I have had to ask Creaky to come down from the top? More than once but not more than 100 times. He finally fell off it yesterday and landed hard on his bum. He was not happy. Maybe he will learn that it’s really not made for him to sit on the top cupboards.
He knows so much and part of me is amazed but the other part of me thinks “it’s about time.” I don’t know if the boys were more talkative at this point but I feel like Creaky is lagging behind w/ his vocabulary or not.. Last week, he told me to “make hotdog” and pointed to the microwave. He also has been very good at telling me that he has a poopy diaper and of course has been “acting” interested in using the potty. It’s a great scheme kids at this age start on their parents – I remember it well from the older boys. We will see how much longer we are in diapers but you won’t hear me talking about “training” him to go potty. He does well all night and doesn’t wet his diaper and the boys were the same way. I’ve asked him this week every time he has woken up if he needs to go potty and only twice did he say yes and went. The other times he was not in the mood for me to even ask and shook his head NO violently.

As little of un-interrupted sleep I get, I do enjoy this boy immensely and how he has added to the quality of our lives and has made a special place in ALL of our hearts. Love you sweetie pie!

Today I had an appt. with H.E.R.O (homeless empowerment relationship organization) and met w/ one of the directors. She told me a horrible story that just happened to the executive director a couple of weeks ago. Her 8 month old grandson was violently killed by a friend of the mother. I stood there w/ my mouth wide open. The funeral was last Friday. The awesome part of this is after he confessed to them what he did; her and her daughter forgave him. They just forgave him like that! At the funeral this woman spoke on healing for all families involved and moving forward. This woman sounds awesome and I can’t wait to meet w/ her.

Project W.A.I.T. (Work Alternatives for Individuals in their 3rd Trimester) this program is an alternative placement for pregnant women who must participate in welfare to work program in order to get their FIA checks. At 6 months of pregnancy, it seems futile to ask these women to attend employment workshops or to go out on interviews. In our program they volunteer for 5 hours a day and receive employment-related training and skills. They attend our Pathfinder class and create a personal action plan. 2 days/wk we help them w/ their plan. 3 days a week they do HERO work. They also learn how to sew and make a baby quilt for themselves as well as one square donated to HERO. We are hoping to create a book about their accomplishments, with one chapter dedicated to each of the participants. Their individual quilt squares will be joined to form one queen sized quilt. It will be featured in the book as well as possibly being offered for sale at auction.

I told her a little bit about myself and what I had to offer. She was delighted w/ it all and couldn’t wait for me to talk to the executive director. I know they have another “vision” in mind and they would like some one to head that up. I looked around the room and there wasn’t anyone else there to say they would do it. I didn’t sign up for it YET. I need to find some courage for something like that. I’m praying for that right now! We will see what will come of it all. I hope that all works out and I can be of service in this project because it sounds like a good one.

A 12 year-olds pick-up lines...

I lost my library card, so do you mind if I check you out?
Are you Jamaican? Cause JA-makin' me crazy!
I wish I was cross-eyed, so I could see you twice.
You're so hot your going to melt the elastic in my underwear.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Stop drop and roll - cause baby you're on fire.
Your eyes are even bluer than the water in my toilet bowl.
Maybe you've seen my picture - it's under KABLAM in the dictionary.
How did you get through security? Because baby you are da bomb!

A friend for Cri-Cri- - Friend for Mama

I just had a "first" playdate with a new mom I met at church. She has a son almost the same age as Creaky. She's married with one child and they just moved here from Atlanta. She's WAY cool - a super-fly dresser and is about my age. I know I shouldn't pick friends because they are cool dressers. I've met some women in my moms' group that I thought I would not have anything in common with. Either they were too rigid or too educated or even too stress like. But they all have turned out to be some of my good friends. Some are so funny, that I die laughing when we are together. Maybe that is part of growing up - it's no longer cool to be catty and snippy. Maybe I just don't attract those kinds of friends anymore. Anyway, we had a great time chatting in between keeping the kids from knocking each other out w/ legos or kiddie size brooms and mops. I wanted to make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies before she got here but didn't, so I made them while she was here which was a bit much because she was supposed to stay for lunch and I was preparing pizza and orzo spinach salad. The kids had been snacking since they got here and her son was ready to leave before lunch was ready. It worked out just fine because Clint was home and we were able to sit and eat lunch together.

There is an opportunity to become a Community Aide here at family housing. Mostly you plan community activities w/ other CA's and be helpful to the people in your community. They had a position open last semester but it was in Northwood 5 and that would mean the boys would have had to change schools. NO WAY! I don't know if Clint is going to apply or he wants me to apply. Either way I know we would work together. The WOW factor is FREE RENT! The downside is you have to move into the 3 bedroom assigned place. YUCK on moving in the winter! I screwed up and thought the meeting for more info was tonight but it was LAST night. Deadline is approaching fast!

That's it for now. I had a great day w/ my new friend, she seems like someone I could hang out with - maybe even our hubbies would enjoy getting together too. Oh the possibilites. One day at at time...

Mom got her roses and was overjoyed. She went into a descriptive frenzy telling me all about the leaves, the quantity, the vase, the box they arrived in, the smell and the roses themselves. She went on to tell me how she and gra’ma were able to split the bunch, she took the one w/ all the red roses and gra’ma took the other one w/ mostly yellow roses. They each took their bunch and vases to their own rooms. She didn’t want to put them in the kitchen because she doesn’t spend much time in there. She spends most of her free time in her room reading and gra’ma spends most of her free time in her “apartment.” Mom said she felt “honored” and how that is what we are asked to do as children is ‘honor our mothers and fathers.’ I’m just happy to be in that space of fully honoring her w/ all my heart w/out holding back because she drives me crazy doing this or that. Maybe we are all these miles apart for a reason. We need to feel this strong love that will override all the idiosyncrasies we both probably have. I don’t think she could do anything that would drive me nuts – oh probably the single most annoying thing I can think of is – She doesn’t stand up for herself! I think she’s gotten better w/ my older brother but she needs to develop some skills for her commission based job. I want to call her work and yell at these young girls that think my mom is just some batty old lady. I want to tell them first and foremost she is a WOMAN just like them and she is MY mother and that in itself is the most important factor. How dare them think they can get away with that – but how dare my mother even being in that situation. What could she have done differently to – okay I’m going to stop before I get too upset in this moment.

Anyway, I’m glad that I sent the flowers and I’m glad she didn’t berate me for doing it. I was able to express myself to her more than if I had tried to write it in a card that only allowed so many characters by talking to her on the phone today.

I talked to Mrs. T today and we talked about what was going on in our lives – just catching up since it’s been awhile since we talked. I think everyone needs a Mrs. T in their lives. She is just an awesome woman that carries herself in such a way that you think she must be made of the same material as Mother Teresa. She was going to be a nun a looong long time ago –so maybe that is what it is.

Today is a rainy day – perfect for the Flemish Beef Stew Clint has going on in the slow cooker. He rushed around getting it ready before he left for school. Seems so funny since I was home all day but he wanted to prepare this new meal and it needed to cook for 8 hours - I wouldn't have gotten around to do it till late. It’s kinda like the Carbonnade a la flamande that you sent, Val. This calls for brown ale or dark beer just as well. We will be trying your recipe next time.

Last week the new little boy I had barfed and I sent him home. Today, J’s mom said that J got sick on Friday and then dad got sick on Sunday. Slade had some yucky burps yesterday and I wonder if it has anything to do with what A had. It’s this kind of “stomach flu” that could turn me OCD - washing my hands and sterilizing everything like a mad woman and driving everyone around me crazy to do the same. Ugh!

Flowers for my mama

Last week, I checked our business (more like junk) email account and found there was over 100 unread messages. Scrolling through them I came across one from an online flower company offering 3 dozen roses delivered for a steal of price. On impulse I started filling out my mother’s info and when it came to filling out a card all I wrote was “just wanted you all to know I love you.” UGH – how lame is that? But I didn’t want to sit there and think too much about anything because I didn’t want to NOT go forward with it. My second “doh” moment was when I picked the delivery date for TODAY and not some time at the end of last week. What was I thinking? I mean, they could already be enjoying them and now I have to wonder all day if anyone will be home to sign for them.

I stayed up thinking last night about why I wanted to send flowers and what I would have actually written if I would have allowed myself more time to think. I had a bit of a problem sleeping last night – I had courtesy coffee at the grocery store and it said it was DECAF but tossing and turning past midnight, made me think it was not.

A few months ago, our pastor did a three-part sermon on Justice. The second one was called: Let justice roll down…Seek justice, Undo Oppression. I remember going on a Saturday night ALONE. I sat and was able to listen to every word. After the awesome sermon he said if anyone felt like they wanted prayer because they are feeling lead to do more with themselves to come on up. Now, I don’t make it a habit going up for prayer and so I was talking myself into HOW I would go up. I go up for communion and I see N is standing there and I go straight to her and we give each a hug and I just start bawling – I mean just flat out bawling. She’s asking if everything was okay and what could she pray with me about. She was in the know about everything that was going on with our case and thought maybe I was upset about that. Through my crying and lumpy throat all I managed to get out was, “I want to do more, but feel I can’t.” I didn’t need to say anymore, she was right on in her words she used. It was like it went from my heart to her lips to God’s ear.

A few weeks ago, I had a feeling that it was time to “move on” I didn’t need to be so honed in on myself, my husband or my boys. Everyone was A-Okay and it wasn’t for me to feel that this was my sole mission. It was time to do more beyond my family, while showing the face of Christ. Some ways I felt I had been but I think I felt I could do MORE. I would shy away from fully extending myself to certain things because I didn’t think I had anything to offer. Who was I? I was just a wife and mother and didn’t have any special skills that would allow me to stand out beyond that.

I feel so free to do what I feel lead to do now and I know it won’t interfere with my role as wife and mother. I’ve moved beyond that - I no longer have that unhealthy drive to leave my family in the dust while I look good doing this or that. In the last 3 years I have dedicated myself fully to my family and only because I had this urgency to do just that. I had to or else I knew there would be no family as we know it today. We were disintegrating and it was not pretty.

****just talked to clint and he thinks i'm exagerating about how bad things were. I mean if you like flying off the handle at the smallest things and have poor communication skills - then I think we were doing just fine. I knew there was a better way to go about things and worked on trying to improve the things that were driving me insane. My standard comment everytime things went haywire was "this is not fun anymore and I can't do this any longer" but now I feel much more grounded and can see happy horizons up ahead. ***************

So, here I am on this new journey and I think appropriately enough, if I want to give back, I need to start with my mom. I know it’s just flowers but that is something I think will speak in volumes to her. She deserves more and in time more will be brought forth. I do wish I would have written that on her card, but I’m sure we will talk and she will be beaming with pride in knowing her daughter is growing up and thinking beyond her own needs.

This week I have an appointment to meet w/ the director of Project Wait. I do hope this will open the door to more service work - beyond just taking my family to serve soup at a kitchen. I want to get up close and personal with people and share with them in their struggles. I have known my share of pain, hurt and hell. To be able to offer hope and a caring face to others seems so miniscule but I know it will make a difference to some.

Here I Go!

What's fer dinner - - Part Two

Thanks for all the recipes and ideas. We are so excited to try them out. I also received two magazines this week - chock full of new and enticing recipes. We will have the boys pick out two each and we will try them out this month.

Last night while chatting away with Val, out of the blue she asked if I knew what those cheese sandwiches from the pima relief society were. I had to laugh because a few weeks ago, I told Clint I wanted those sandwiches from the reunion. Val said she had a craving for them and she and her friends would eat them w/ soup. When Clint got home we got to making some for dinner. He confessed those sandwiches used to be one of his favorite meals that he would request for his b-day. I still marvel at how grated cheese, tomato sauce, bell pepper, onion, black olives and hard boiled eggs came together to make a sandwich. What a combo!

I'm following in Hayduke's fashion and changing the names to our boys. This is the age they start to google each other and we wouldn't want them to come across some things dad wrote. We are trying to get Abbey to start doing his own podcasts on all the books he reads. He won't have anything to do with it. He looked at us like we were nuts and lame. Oh- but he would rather join synchronized swimming and be the only boy on the team. He's got charm to do either one but podcasting sounds cooler to me. What do I know? This is the age where it all starts for us as parents to be lame on certain subjects. A few weeks later he will come home and say he wants to do podcasting and act like it was his very own idea or he'll want to do it because his friends are doing it. What can you do?

What's fer dinner?

It's that time of day where all desires to start thinking about preparing dinner makes my head ache. I have no desires for any of our meals and therefore making dinner is a chore. Since being pregnant w/ Crispin, food has lost it's touch. Even more when I have to make it. I go hog-wild when someone else cooks dinner. It's an unsaid rule around here that Clint prepares the meals for the weekend which usually consist of wings and pizza - which only he(and Jack ) know how to prepare. Sometimes on Sunday we will collaborate our efforts and make a meal together.

So all that said - send me some of your favorite recipes ASAP!

School's in session

Back to school for everyone including Clint. This semester will be a challenge for me. I don't like when he's gone all day. Monday's he will be gone from 8:30-7:30. He will have a break where he will stay at school and study and hopefully check email, so I can keep in touch with him that way. Tuesday's he will be gone 9-6 - another long day. He will be off Wednesdays and do field placement as he was doing last semester on Thursdays and Fridays. He will keep doing Motor Meals on Saturdays from 9-2. So basically we have no time together. Wednesday's I will have a daycare kid and Sundays is when we have church and library. But the bright side of it is that his semester will end middle of April. So, I can handle this for 3 months. I took in a 4 year old who will come 5 days a week - one week on one week off. So, that will be something that will break up the months.

I'm getting so giddy all ready for Spring and Summer. I usually get this way around February, but it's kicked in early this time. Clint was saying that he felt the same way and he usually NEVER feels like wanting winter to be over. He says it's because he can't wait to have a summer like we did last year - one where we are in our new awesome community. The gardens are right behind our house and so we will get a plot and enjoy gardening w/ the other families. It's just fun because at a certain hour of the day everyone comes out of their houses and it's like a big carnival in our back yard and when the street lights go one, everyone disappears. Okay, enough wishing for winter to be over already. It will be over soon enough and then we will be roasting in our no central air place!

Ready to wean part two

We got our morning off to a great start with making french toast. Crispin is constonatly on the go so this morning I spent a good two hours in the kitchen making french toast and then doing the dishes. After that it was time for a shower, so he and I hopped in there and showered. I forgot Clint bought him bubbles and so I ran a bath for him. He enjoyed it so much. Slade and Jack came up to watch him and Jack stayed in there playing with him while I got myself dressed and did a quick clean up of our room. After the bath, Crispin was ready for a nap. It seemed like he just woke up, but he's usually ready at that time of day. It was about 1 p.m. but it felt like it was barely 11 a.m. So, we crawled into our bed and I nursed him to sleep while I read (a must read book - clint just finished and now I'm reading it - Why we love these people - Po Bronson) While he was nursing, I thought to myself "Am I ready to give this all up - NOW?" I guess it comes down to the night nursing as being THE "pain in the neck" I would love for him to be night weaned and I would love for him to only nurse for naps during the day. Bottom line.

This past summer, I was out on the playground and a neighbor said to me "I bet he sleeps through the night for you, huh?" I told her heck no! She went on to say how I always looked like I had a good night's sleep and always had a smile on my face. She had a 22 month old at the time and she said she had this thought when he woke her up for the tenth time that night to nurse: "I really HATE this child right now!" I was a bit taken back by the comment but I have spent many hours with many moms at different times and knew that they have all said something to that effect once or twice. I guess, I just don't want to go to that place and I am being proactive on trying NOT to get to that place by using this God given energy (where did it come from? I remember being sooooo tired all the time after Slade)and trying my best to get Crispin do go w/out marathon nursing at night. I have visions of friend's and their 2+ year old's trying to have conversations with them while their child is flinging about and wearing their poor mama out to the point of giving in to them and nursing them even after telling them "no, not right now" - just to shut them up. I would rather have searing knives stuck into my eyeballs than deal with that. I want Crispin to understand when I say "no, not right now", I guess that is really the bottom line. I would go nuts if he thought he could just throw tantrums to get his way. I would like to have an amicable nursing relationship established with him. He no longer NEEDS it for nourishment and it's all mostly for comfort. I enjoy being able to meet his needs this way and I'm happy that I am in a position to do it. When we had friends over last week, Clint was telling them that he sees a difference of how much time he got to spend with our first child to how little time he gets to spend with our third. I feel the total opposite - and that is what fuels me to enjoy all of it. I said my only lament is when Crispin is on my heels and I have things to do and if Clint is home, I would like for him to take him and go for a walk or to just engage him in something else. I don't like when Crispin's on my shit list AND on Clint's. One of us needs to be the chilled out one. I guess that is where the older boys come in. They really enjoy playing with Crispin and I know they aren't feeling like it's a chore.

I know my efforts will pay off in time. I just need to continue with what I'm doing and eventually Crispin will understand that nursing is something that doesn't need to done every minute or whenever he's bored. If he plays his cards right - he might be able to enjoy nursing beyond the two year mark. ;)

Okay, hubby is home!

Ready to Wean!

LLL fails to mention stiff necks and sore backs when you choose to nurse on demand (especially at night) Since Crispin had work done on his teeth he has slowly gotten back to what I call "marathon nursing" Don't know if his teeth are bothering him or what? He's also started putting things in his mouth. He's never done this. He comes over to us w/ a mouthful of coins or toys. It's quite annoying and gross!

The last 2 nights have been a bit better because before we go to sleep I had told him, "just a little bit of Te-Ta" and so he will nurse and pretty much be asleep but when I unlatch him he wakes up. So, I have been sticking to my guns and NOT let him nurse again. The first time I tried that was a few days after Christmas and he screamed for most of the night. I knew it was prime time because both neighbors are gone and Clint was on break. I didn't feel bad for him screaming because I was right there holding him and talking to him. I did feel like after that night I broke the "static" so to speak. Meaning that after that, he hasn't been so compelled to think he can't sleep w/out my boob in his mouth. The last two nights he didn't scream but he tried his hardest to get in my shirt and I would have to get his arms out everytime. I just have to talk to him and ask him things like "Do you think your friends are sleeping right now?, Do you think the squirrels are sleeping? How do they sleep?" "Can you say night night to them?" He calms down and listens and then I will go through the list of his friends and say night night to them and if he's still awake I will list everything he knows like his trucks, books, balls, even rocks, moon and stars. We put up glow in the dark stars but he's not so enthralled, like I was hoping he would be. He eventually will fall asleep and it seems like he will sleep longer before he wakes up again to nurse. If he wakes up closer to 4, I will nurse him back to sleep, but if he wakes up again in an hour or so, I will just start the procedure again. I don't think it's fair to just go cold turkey on him and what I would hope is that he would someday decide that he's done nursing - soon though!

During the day, I'm pretty good about not nursing him everytime he asks and I have to say, that it's a lot work keeping him from wearing me down. You have to be on your toes - literally. Everytime I sit down he jumps in my lap and assumes the position. I'm still pretty okay with it all because I said that 2 would be my stopping point and I just hope that I'm doing all the things that will have him ready by then. I know I would feel guilty or bad if I made him stop when he wasn't totally ready or if I tricked him into it. There are days that I think of all the ways I want to prepare my Te-Tas...putting band aids on them and saying they are broken or have ouchies. I have thought of putting GSE (grapefruit seed extract) on them because the taste is yucky but it's safe to ingest. How cruel and mean is that? I've been desperate at times - I tell you!

Speaking of which - the boy is awake and trying every possible way to nurse. He's a wise guy too - he's acting like he's eating through my shirt. I told him he could help me make french toast, so he jumped off me and is ready. I need to go now!

Absurd thinking and a little Spanglish for you

What a wonderful winter break we all have had. It started with Clint being done w/ classes a week before the boys were. We were able to do some running around together, even if it was just grocery shopping. Clint has a certain expectation of how Christmas should be and as much as it drives me crazy – I am at his mercy. As much as I HATE going all out for Christmas I am thankful that he puts so much energy into it because it does set this season apart from any other time in the year. Christmas is no ordinary day at our house and I enjoy seeing the kid’s anxious and wanting the day to last just as much as their dad.


Last October, Clint and I took the Marriage Course and if there was anything that I should have taken from that class was the fact that one of Clint’s love languages is giving and receiving gifts. My gifts were expression through touch and words. At the time I only saw that Clint was acting like a big kid that needed trinkets and such to feel loved and how absurd that was. For goodness sake, he’s a grown man and whatever kind of crap that was lacking growing up should be fixed because I didn’t think it would make a difference if I bought everything under the sun for him – it had to come from within. So, in my thinking by me giving love pats, kisses and kind words should have meant more to him than a $5 box of chocolates on the spur of the moment. That was my silly psychobabble infiltrating me and making this innocent love of receiving/giving gifts drive me crazy and think that he had issues that needed to be cleared out and dealt with. I couldn’t just accept it for what it was and I was determined to get him to see it my way or nothing. So every year before Christmas we have THE big blowup about this or sometimes it comes after Christmas – none the less it happens. This year it was kept to a 3 minute spat and about 2 hours of silence. In the silence I realized how selfish I was being by denying him something so simple because I think he should be fine without any little things and how my love for him should be enough. Plus, it doesn’t help I’m a “practical” gift giver and spending money on silly toys and candies makes me feel like a wasteful person. I thought back on how we have been showered in the past few months with little gifts from unsuspecting people and how blessed and LOVED I felt from receiving them. Yes, I said it – I felt LOVED from these gifts. I knew that they were giving because they genuinely felt the urge to give and they acted on it. This Christmas turned out to be full of surprises and genuine love shared between us and certain individuals. So, how could I deny Clint that because I think he’s being a big baby? I can’t, I shouldn't and I won't. I will from now on embrace this in him and I will try my best to speak this love language that will bind us together for years to come. It is my hope he will do the same and work on expressing himself in my love language and then we will spend our days giving gifts and hugs. Hey - It could happen!


The rest of the break was spent eating it seems like. We had friends over for some muy bueno comida Mexicana. Chile verde, homemade tortillas and tamales y posole. Delicioso! Clint iso most of it and I nomas stood in the cocina asking “what should I do now?” Aye Dolores, you would have thought you died y went straight up to el ceilo. El lugar donde true Nuevo Mexicanos y Arizonians van - donde speakit spanglish y listen to oldies but goodies in their souped up carros! Un dia nosotros can get together y comer chile that burns so good! Until that day - paz y amor para ti y Brett!


Oh I can’t forget to write about how I spent my New Year’s Day. I woke up with a stiff neck and I spent the day on muscle relaxants and pain relievers. So basically in and out of sleep. When I woke up the last time, I felt so much better and was able to stay awake long enough to eat homemade pizza that Jack made. That boy has a special talent in the pizza department. He can make the dough a perfect circle and add just the right amount of ingredients. We all ate more than our share of it.


I also finished knitting one sock and have started on the next one. I also would like to do some wool rug hooking and jewelry making with precious metal clay this year. I will ask Mrs. F if she would be willing to teach me rug hooking. It sounds easy enough, but there’s an initial investment that I don’t know if I would want to sink it in that or in jewelry making. We shall see - not at a spot where I can be throwing money left and right!


This is my favorite picture of Slade and Crispin


That is pretty much it. I enjoyed every waking hour with all that we did and now it’s time to keep the party going because SOMEONE turns 12 tomorrow! I can and can’t believe it at the same time. I’m kinda in that slap happy mode right now with it. It used to make me sad to see him growing up so quick but now I am so excited to see him mature into this wonderful young man. I have a friend that says to raise kids that you would like to hang out with and Slade is very much that kind of kid. He’s coming into some style and wit that is all his own. He’s been described as having wry humor and that was when he was in first grade so by now he’s got it down pretty good. He makes us roar with laughter sometimes while he keeps a dead pan look on his face. Where does he get it from?


Here’s to more fun and adventure in 2006 sprinkled with lots of love and harmony!