Flowers for my mama

Last week, I checked our business (more like junk) email account and found there was over 100 unread messages. Scrolling through them I came across one from an online flower company offering 3 dozen roses delivered for a steal of price. On impulse I started filling out my mother’s info and when it came to filling out a card all I wrote was “just wanted you all to know I love you.” UGH – how lame is that? But I didn’t want to sit there and think too much about anything because I didn’t want to NOT go forward with it. My second “doh” moment was when I picked the delivery date for TODAY and not some time at the end of last week. What was I thinking? I mean, they could already be enjoying them and now I have to wonder all day if anyone will be home to sign for them.

I stayed up thinking last night about why I wanted to send flowers and what I would have actually written if I would have allowed myself more time to think. I had a bit of a problem sleeping last night – I had courtesy coffee at the grocery store and it said it was DECAF but tossing and turning past midnight, made me think it was not.

A few months ago, our pastor did a three-part sermon on Justice. The second one was called: Let justice roll down…Seek justice, Undo Oppression. I remember going on a Saturday night ALONE. I sat and was able to listen to every word. After the awesome sermon he said if anyone felt like they wanted prayer because they are feeling lead to do more with themselves to come on up. Now, I don’t make it a habit going up for prayer and so I was talking myself into HOW I would go up. I go up for communion and I see N is standing there and I go straight to her and we give each a hug and I just start bawling – I mean just flat out bawling. She’s asking if everything was okay and what could she pray with me about. She was in the know about everything that was going on with our case and thought maybe I was upset about that. Through my crying and lumpy throat all I managed to get out was, “I want to do more, but feel I can’t.” I didn’t need to say anymore, she was right on in her words she used. It was like it went from my heart to her lips to God’s ear.

A few weeks ago, I had a feeling that it was time to “move on” I didn’t need to be so honed in on myself, my husband or my boys. Everyone was A-Okay and it wasn’t for me to feel that this was my sole mission. It was time to do more beyond my family, while showing the face of Christ. Some ways I felt I had been but I think I felt I could do MORE. I would shy away from fully extending myself to certain things because I didn’t think I had anything to offer. Who was I? I was just a wife and mother and didn’t have any special skills that would allow me to stand out beyond that.

I feel so free to do what I feel lead to do now and I know it won’t interfere with my role as wife and mother. I’ve moved beyond that - I no longer have that unhealthy drive to leave my family in the dust while I look good doing this or that. In the last 3 years I have dedicated myself fully to my family and only because I had this urgency to do just that. I had to or else I knew there would be no family as we know it today. We were disintegrating and it was not pretty.

****just talked to clint and he thinks i'm exagerating about how bad things were. I mean if you like flying off the handle at the smallest things and have poor communication skills - then I think we were doing just fine. I knew there was a better way to go about things and worked on trying to improve the things that were driving me insane. My standard comment everytime things went haywire was "this is not fun anymore and I can't do this any longer" but now I feel much more grounded and can see happy horizons up ahead. ***************

So, here I am on this new journey and I think appropriately enough, if I want to give back, I need to start with my mom. I know it’s just flowers but that is something I think will speak in volumes to her. She deserves more and in time more will be brought forth. I do wish I would have written that on her card, but I’m sure we will talk and she will be beaming with pride in knowing her daughter is growing up and thinking beyond her own needs.

This week I have an appointment to meet w/ the director of Project Wait. I do hope this will open the door to more service work - beyond just taking my family to serve soup at a kitchen. I want to get up close and personal with people and share with them in their struggles. I have known my share of pain, hurt and hell. To be able to offer hope and a caring face to others seems so miniscule but I know it will make a difference to some.

Here I Go!