I figured it out!

After doing much reflecting on this whole situation, I have finally come to some understanding of why it bothered me so much that I had these feelings towards this woman. I was squelching what is so innate for me and I wasn’t even giving this person a chance to speak before I had already judged her, chopped her into categories and then put her on the BBQ.

What I found, talking and enjoying people in all their humanness – comes easy for me and I enjoy it immensely. I really like getting to know people and forming bonds.
For now because I am totally dedicated to my family in body, mind and soul, I can’t throw myself into the work that I feel led to do. That would be working with women.
I know I will someday have a forum that will allow me to really have an impact in women’s lives. I have ventured out and tried doing that with doula and midwifery work and it seemed like it wasn’t the time for me to take that on. My family needed me and I needed to know that I would be available for them. Plus, I knew I wanted another baby and I wanted to enjoy every bit of him instead of having one boob in his mouth while I tried to coordinate a schedule that is very much indefinite. Babies come at all hours - 24 hours a day. (Plus, I can live vicariously through Mandy and not deal with carrying a pager!)

I have always said if I can make a difference in someone’s life within my arm’s span, within reach of my front porch, then I will. I’m not an overt type person that will protest out in the streets for women’s rights, home birth, crunchy peanut butter over creamy or any other worthy causes. I would much rather have one on one conversations with people and do what I can to lift them up and give them hope in their despair or share with them in other senseless activities like who’s who on reality TV shows or whatever. I would much rather have eye contact with a person and share with them in tangible ways. I can do that. It’s a part of me that I can’t deny and this experience has really made me embrace it for all it’s worth. It’s my way of being accessible and feeling a part of something bigger than myself and my family.

All that said, yesterday I had her over for lunch and we had a nice conversation on Mexican remedies. She’s from Mexico and has been in the States for a few years now. When she first got to my house, I didn’t have that “oh great – look who’s here.” It was a great feeling to be myself rather than act like I was too busy to even bother with her.

Thanks for all the comments. I’m feeling much better about the situation. I know I learned from it all and that is always something you hope to do from certain circumstances.